When a generation of people with their own views and value system impose themselves on another generation of people with their own ways of doing things, how do the two meet? There is always a conflict which arises in such situations which result in widening gaps of frustration and turmoil, especially when both sides are hell bent on what they want and view the other as invasive of their personal space.
I think of these things while I deal with the accompanying angst which lived with me through my growing up years and ongoing. In dreary moments, I let myself almost succumb to despair, hurt and sense of hollowness. At other times, I force myself to rise up to the challenge of recognizing what is happening and why is it happening. It lies in my tendency to not let anything claw at me for too long. When it’s too much for me to take I snap out of the stupidity and pettiness of what I call the effect of the ‘funeral haunt.’ It is the haunt which plays moments when I feel dragged down to the bottom of the pit of a dark well.
So, we have a problem of what seems like endless and penetrating lack of reconciliation spewing a grey quality of ‘peacelessness’ is now born. The question I want to ask is, is there a way out? Or does the answer lie in one of those impossible, utopian realities? Is it a long winded, spirally path of negativity and pessimism where people proclaim to themselves that the situation is too intense to control. Maybe it takes too much out of them, maybe the impossibility of resolution throws them off track, maybe some lack the courage to face things head on, and maybe some are too proud to negotiate as a means to an end. Endless ways to avoid the seemingly endless problems which we have blown out of proportion in our own heads, to keep us away from them in a convoluted fashion.
Since I’ve acknowledged that a problem exists, I’d also like to say that I believe that all problems have solutions. By solution, I mean one right way of responding to the problem which will result in peace within us. Not to say that arriving at solutions and sticking to them is easy but to believe that there is always a right way out for any given solution no matter how over-powering. But, it is the most tricky and out-of-reach. How do I know for sure? I don’t. It’s a matter of holding on to a faith, a strong, blinding sense of overpowering belief that it can be resolved, no matter what. This might sound highly simplistic. It only sounds easy but getting there is a huge struggle and effort in itself.
The belief in a way out is re-inforced when I think about millions of people who go through life faced with hopelessness and what seems like impossible resolutions of conflict. People suffer in extremely harsh environments where they are the victims of power play. There are people who have no voice, no expression of self, no space to protest and constantly beaten and wounded emotionally by what is thrust upon them, simply by their circumstances. There are people, unlike others, who don’t choose to suffer but suffer by being born into the world. There is no escape for millions who lack the means, resources and support to help themselves. I often wonder how these people draw their courage when they are stuck in a situation where there is no room for any sense of self to exist with the ‘others’ will thrust upon them. I wonder why these people don’t kill themselves instead. I wonder what gives them the hope or will to still survive day after day, in spite of no escape from their daily versions of the ‘funeral haunt.’
If you ask me why is it important to think of people whose realities are so distant from mine and what role does reading about them play my life when they hardly touch mine, I’d say it’s to help me address my own problems. I believe that all people, as part of humanity, suffer in similar ways in varying degrees of hardships. To know how another, overcomes adversity, is to know a possible way of overcoming my own troubles. It may not help me right then, but it promises me, it gives me faith there is a way - that human courage triumphs over the darkest, funeral haunting days. It makes me believe that blinding quality of goodness can be drawn from within to shield ourselves from the most frightening pain of the worst kind. It gives me hope, to encounter my own problems by facing them squarely in the face.
If all problems and conflicts can be solved, I unfortunately have no answer if you ask me why do problems of poverty, war, unemployment – to name a few which sit firmly under the giant umbrella of Crap, still exist. It is safe to say that it is not a perfect world and problems, big, medium and small remain unresolved and bound by hopelessness. We may also feel many problems in our life are bound to remain resolved this way. I advocate a micro-analytic approach to how you can find a single way to solve a problem.
I feel that most people become unhappy when they avoid their problems by unconsciously focusing on the ‘it’s too hard’ part, to even acknowledge that a solution can be met. Sometimes, the difficulty of arriving and sticking to what looks like prospective solution can be so burdening, draining and painful that you start to believe its adversely conducive to your emotional health- that it makes people blind to their existence and hence blind to possibilities of reconciliation, however small. It unknowingly pushes them away from growth and further away from peace. Scott Peck described this in his ‘The Road less traveled.’ He simply says that people always look for ways to avoid legitimate suffering. This is something we know ourselves, but rarely do we try and examine how much this applies to our lives. If we closely analyze ourselves, we will find that, most of us, avoid pain more than we’d like to admit. The pain of confrontation, the pain of exposing ourselves and our weaknesses, the pain of securing ourselves for fear of losing ourselves, the pain of separation are everyday instances which are well-hidden and sometimes admittedly so, by the braver among us.
What is important here is the focus on the ‘It’s possible’ part. A belief, however small, in a solution of some kind, is the first step towards working to solve a problem. It is a small step towards committing ourselves to solve it, however hard and however long it takes. ‘It’s possible’ immediately opens us to a keyhole of light in the strong, stone, doorway which leads to the path which leads us the other side, to freedom.
I think central to the issue of conflict resolution, is the presence of the individual ego and how much importance or lack of importance we give it. Any kind of conflict involves two egos which are at battle. A weak ago, submits itself to subjugation by the other. A strong ego coerces and controls. Of course, it is not so simple and cut and dry. The real issues at hand are much more complex, more inter-twined and far reaching then we can identify and correct.
It is established that a sense of self, or an ego is instrumental in creating individualistic spaces of being and expression. It is a source of joy in the way we feed it – we feed it by our own efforts, our own giving to ourselves, our own respect and need for growth. We need our ego to feel good about ourselves, to accomplish and to be happy.
However, the ego can overpower and controls us at times, it dictates itself to us, it tricks us into false hopes, into false ways of feeling good about ourselves. Its propensity for providing us with strength also spells ways to can keep us bound to our weakness. Thus, it can be a cause for as much unhappiness and evil as a cause for joy and strength.
What causes conflicts to go on forever, is when both sides refuse to compromise for whatever reasons. It may be pride, attachment, need for attention, need to control etc.
People end up feeling threatened by the ‘other’ which makes them respond aggressively in order to preserve them or keep them away from the supposed unhappiness caused when our self is taken away from us. Maybe people feel weak, when they give up themselves or let another have his way in the blinded belief that in accommodating another is a loss to me. Maybe they live in delusions of fear, that others are looking to control, dominate and make us suffer.
Obsessing with winning over other people can become evil, of course – this is when the ego fills up an individual completely and every move is designed to please the ego continually. Hitler – power hungry and full of himself- clearly fits the bill.
I thought about these things and why the situations with my parents remain the same even when I am in my mid 20s. I am still bothered by them and their insistence on the way I lead my life. I am still not close to being an ideal kid because of diverging values – you name it, we disagree. I realize I’ve been a difficult kid and still am. Times have past but I have never been at peace because of unresolved past tension which spills on to this day and makes me murky.
I realized that there is lack of empathy and lot of selfishness on my part. I consider myself to important to me. My ego is too important to me and I am stubborn when it comes to bending to accommodate anybody else. The saddest part is, I bend for everybody else, except my parents. They have even pointed this out to me and I realize its true. It’s not because I loved them less, it’s just because I did not take the time to understand them properly because I always considered myself more important. My parents are in the background, they are taken for granted, they will be there for me – no matter what. This taken for granted-ness, is what makes me view them with hostility. A lack of understanding of how much my behavior shocks them and creates ‘funeral haunts’ for them, perpetuated by none other than me. I realize how much I contribute to their suffering and how much they try to accommodate me when I get stubborn and bratty.
In my interactions with my parents, I have realized that their intention is to not make me suffer on purpose. They take no joy in my suffering or in controlling me. They want me to yield to some of what they want for me, so that in doing so I recognize their presence in my life. In doing so, I acknowledge that they matter to me. It shows respect, it shows obedience and humility. All of which, I have never taken time to understand until now. All I have done so far is rebel when they restrict, disagree when they opine, scream and shout when they advise. I did not take the time to understand what lies beneath. It hurts them to know I value myself more than I value them when they in fact almost value me more than themselves.
This is not to say that I have to live my life according to everything they say and have none of my own, but to empathize with the fact that they suffer too – not only for themselves, but for me. Such is the power of parental love which I do not claim to understand yet. In taking time to first understand them, I got to know myself better, I got to know how to act, I got to know how I can resolve a particular situation. I finally, got myself a solution. It’s a matter of giving in when you know their need is more important than yours. It’s a matter of letting go of yourself to accommodate another. It’s a matter of considering yourself less important – of transcending yourself, your ego.
We tend to grapple with abstract notions of balance and its application when either set of extremes go out of hand. We land ourselves in trouble when we live in the world of extremes. So comes the question, how does the equation of give and take operate between two sets of people with divergent needs and opinions translate into a win-win situation for both parties concerned? The complexity of this answer lies by starting to have a genuine and focused interest in why other people act a certain way. I think knowing other people, will help you understand how to go about it. It gives you fantastic insights about how can you be at peace by solving the mystery of another. When you recognize the cause of the problem, you’ll know the solution is not far behind.
I am sometimes still annoyed by my parents and what they want for me. They still restrict me and subjugate me to their views which I don’t agree with. It’s still not easy to get along. I am still met with ‘funeral haunts’ of my past. I still am frustrated from time to time. However, one thing is slowly changing- the indifference which I met them with from my adolescence has now turned to quiet respect for another generation, another set of values, another set of rules which seems to work well for them. It’s to understand that those would not work for me but also to acknowledge the fact that somebody as close as my parents still holds them with importance. It’s to understand that my values are as difficult for them to hear as theirs are to me. It’s to admit to myself that I am difficult too and my ego gets blown out of proportion and not in my favour.
So, it’s difficult but no not irreconcilable. When there are parents, there is a lot of human and a lot more love. It’s crucial to recognize their human-ness and even more, the love.
