Runaway brain

I am hit by a sudden way of nostalgia and strangeness about my life right now and what it was in the past. And all thats in between really. It's like feeling a rising tidal wave of something which is not hit shore and is just stuck momentarily in mid air, poised to crash but held back, in control. Am I supposed to let it wash over?

Room to Vent

I look for ways to flow free. Feels like they never can again.
Oh to feel like a whizzing cork bottle spitting wine. Needs to be corked again.
Who knows what the secret future may tell?
What misty candlelight obscures the way?
Try as I may seem far from empty
Empty thoughts alone kindle the light.
In a passionate fury you venture out to seek what has already been placed before hand.
Do not lose courage for courage comes to those who ask.
And not to those who claim to have it.
Fly away to lands unnoticed
Seek not to live in shadows of your dreams
How far you can go, you will never know
Unless your willing to risk yourself for it
And show yourself nakedly to the world
The glimpses viewed through the sheer curtain will fall through
There it reveals a blessing, I feel its love
How much to ask for? Too little?
I tire of knowing what is, yet clinging to what swims appealingly, morbidly
Same exhaustion, same routines, same circles
It crushes little by little, and revives all the same.
A moment of rest too soon gone by.
Piece by piece unfolded
But like an endless book, the story goes on and on
And here I am in a room to vent.

Livin' on the Edge

I want to do so much with my life.. see new places, meet new people, learn about other cultures, travel the world, carry around a zest for life which lies thumping in my chest like a heartbeat. We are bound by our circumstances most often, unable to do the things the heart desires. We then grow to live in impatience, losing faith in the things that move us the most. Over time, one learns to give in, fit in well, be part of the groove and forget the spunk and crazy and settle for less.

Sometimes I feel myself soar in leaps and bounds but at other times I am afraid to let myself to do so. I used to be a pretty dreamy, unrestrained person.. I lately realize how inwardly quiet I have become. The kind of person who knocks off all the irregular edges because irregular edges have hurt more than helped. Now the edges are straightened and what have I become? I yearn for that lust for life feeling again. I feel it still exists in me, albeit in a much more faded fashion.

Today I read about a guy who balances on cliffs and edges.. he literally lives his life on the edge. The guy embraces risk and has overcome his fear of falling off the edge. I yearn for such an exhilaration. I yearn for the next big turning point which will put me in a place where I can be challenged.

Where do I go now?

It's been ages since I wrote anything. It's so easy to get complacent.. to sit back and want little out of life when you are very comfortable with everything. I rarely post stuff spontaneously, I usually review it lots o times before I actually publish anything. A sign that I don't care to edit and revise.. I'm pretty cool with what's here.

Yet again, I find myself at tentative crossroads in my life. Struggling to know what I want.. and how to get there. I understand how some people get caught in the struggle of pursuit.. there is something productive in a struggle.. it makes you feel like you are doing something, going somewhere, making things happen. It is part of the joy of creating something of your own I guess. Right now I feel like I have nothing to struggle for, that things are easy. I should feel blessed instead that I have comforts, I have peace all around.. what gives then?

One important thing I have realized for myself is that - the grass is never green on the other side. What I have in my power is to make best use of the moment.. When I look back, I think I am constantly craving this freedom space which is my idea of well.. complete joy and harmony with the universe and nothing else. The frustrating side about wanting that for myself all the time is.. everything within the normal space of the everyday pales, I forget to enjoy simple things and keep wanting something extraordinary all the time. And, it slips my reach.. and I am left in a state of limbo unable to stay still to enjoy the simple present neither be caught up in the thrilling pursuit of the extraordinary.

Which way now?

Battle Of ?

When a generation of people with their own views and value system impose themselves on another generation of people with their own ways of doing things, how do the two meet? There is always a conflict which arises in such situations which result in widening gaps of frustration and turmoil, especially when both sides are hell bent on what they want and view the other as invasive of their personal space.

I think of these things while I deal with the accompanying angst which lived with me through my growing up years and ongoing. In dreary moments, I let myself almost succumb to despair, hurt and sense of hollowness. At other times, I force myself to rise up to the challenge of recognizing what is happening and why is it happening. It lies in my tendency to not let anything claw at me for too long. When it’s too much for me to take I snap out of the stupidity and pettiness of what I call the effect of the ‘funeral haunt.’ It is the haunt which plays moments when I feel dragged down to the bottom of the pit of a dark well.

So, we have a problem of what seems like endless and penetrating lack of reconciliation spewing a grey quality of ‘peacelessness’ is now born. The question I want to ask is, is there a way out? Or does the answer lie in one of those impossible, utopian realities? Is it a long winded, spirally path of negativity and pessimism where people proclaim to themselves that the situation is too intense to control. Maybe it takes too much out of them, maybe the impossibility of resolution throws them off track, maybe some lack the courage to face things head on, and maybe some are too proud to negotiate as a means to an end. Endless ways to avoid the seemingly endless problems which we have blown out of proportion in our own heads, to keep us away from them in a convoluted fashion.

Since I’ve acknowledged that a problem exists, I’d also like to say that I believe that all problems have solutions. By solution, I mean one right way of responding to the problem which will result in peace within us. Not to say that arriving at solutions and sticking to them is easy but to believe that there is always a right way out for any given solution no matter how over-powering. But, it is the most tricky and out-of-reach. How do I know for sure? I don’t. It’s a matter of holding on to a faith, a strong, blinding sense of overpowering belief that it can be resolved, no matter what. This might sound highly simplistic. It only sounds easy but getting there is a huge struggle and effort in itself.

The belief in a way out is re-inforced when I think about millions of people who go through life faced with hopelessness and what seems like impossible resolutions of conflict. People suffer in extremely harsh environments where they are the victims of power play. There are people who have no voice, no expression of self, no space to protest and constantly beaten and wounded emotionally by what is thrust upon them, simply by their circumstances. There are people, unlike others, who don’t choose to suffer but suffer by being born into the world. There is no escape for millions who lack the means, resources and support to help themselves. I often wonder how these people draw their courage when they are stuck in a situation where there is no room for any sense of self to exist with the ‘others’ will thrust upon them. I wonder why these people don’t kill themselves instead. I wonder what gives them the hope or will to still survive day after day, in spite of no escape from their daily versions of the ‘funeral haunt.’

If you ask me why is it important to think of people whose realities are so distant from mine and what role does reading about them play my life when they hardly touch mine, I’d say it’s to help me address my own problems. I believe that all people, as part of humanity, suffer in similar ways in varying degrees of hardships. To know how another, overcomes adversity, is to know a possible way of overcoming my own troubles. It may not help me right then, but it promises me, it gives me faith there is a way - that human courage triumphs over the darkest, funeral haunting days. It makes me believe that blinding quality of goodness can be drawn from within to shield ourselves from the most frightening pain of the worst kind. It gives me hope, to encounter my own problems by facing them squarely in the face.

If all problems and conflicts can be solved, I unfortunately have no answer if you ask me why do problems of poverty, war, unemployment – to name a few which sit firmly under the giant umbrella of Crap, still exist. It is safe to say that it is not a perfect world and problems, big, medium and small remain unresolved and bound by hopelessness. We may also feel many problems in our life are bound to remain resolved this way. I advocate a micro-analytic approach to how you can find a single way to solve a problem.

I feel that most people become unhappy when they avoid their problems by unconsciously focusing on the ‘it’s too hard’ part, to even acknowledge that a solution can be met. Sometimes, the difficulty of arriving and sticking to what looks like prospective solution can be so burdening, draining and painful that you start to believe its adversely conducive to your emotional health- that it makes people blind to their existence and hence blind to possibilities of reconciliation, however small. It unknowingly pushes them away from growth and further away from peace. Scott Peck described this in his ‘The Road less traveled.’ He simply says that people always look for ways to avoid legitimate suffering. This is something we know ourselves, but rarely do we try and examine how much this applies to our lives. If we closely analyze ourselves, we will find that, most of us, avoid pain more than we’d like to admit. The pain of confrontation, the pain of exposing ourselves and our weaknesses, the pain of securing ourselves for fear of losing ourselves, the pain of separation are everyday instances which are well-hidden and sometimes admittedly so, by the braver among us.

What is important here is the focus on the ‘It’s possible’ part. A belief, however small, in a solution of some kind, is the first step towards working to solve a problem. It is a small step towards committing ourselves to solve it, however hard and however long it takes. ‘It’s possible’ immediately opens us to a keyhole of light in the strong, stone, doorway which leads to the path which leads us the other side, to freedom.

I think central to the issue of conflict resolution, is the presence of the individual ego and how much importance or lack of importance we give it. Any kind of conflict involves two egos which are at battle. A weak ago, submits itself to subjugation by the other. A strong ego coerces and controls. Of course, it is not so simple and cut and dry. The real issues at hand are much more complex, more inter-twined and far reaching then we can identify and correct.

It is established that a sense of self, or an ego is instrumental in creating individualistic spaces of being and expression. It is a source of joy in the way we feed it – we feed it by our own efforts, our own giving to ourselves, our own respect and need for growth. We need our ego to feel good about ourselves, to accomplish and to be happy.

However, the ego can overpower and controls us at times, it dictates itself to us, it tricks us into false hopes, into false ways of feeling good about ourselves. Its propensity for providing us with strength also spells ways to can keep us bound to our weakness. Thus, it can be a cause for as much unhappiness and evil as a cause for joy and strength.

What causes conflicts to go on forever, is when both sides refuse to compromise for whatever reasons. It may be pride, attachment, need for attention, need to control etc.


People end up feeling threatened by the ‘other’ which makes them respond aggressively in order to preserve them or keep them away from the supposed unhappiness caused when our self is taken away from us. Maybe people feel weak, when they give up themselves or let another have his way in the blinded belief that in accommodating another is a loss to me. Maybe they live in delusions of fear, that others are looking to control, dominate and make us suffer.

Obsessing with winning over other people can become evil, of course – this is when the ego fills up an individual completely and every move is designed to please the ego continually. Hitler – power hungry and full of himself- clearly fits the bill.

I thought about these things and why the situations with my parents remain the same even when I am in my mid 20s. I am still bothered by them and their insistence on the way I lead my life. I am still not close to being an ideal kid because of diverging values – you name it, we disagree. I realize I’ve been a difficult kid and still am. Times have past but I have never been at peace because of unresolved past tension which spills on to this day and makes me murky.

I realized that there is lack of empathy and lot of selfishness on my part. I consider myself to important to me. My ego is too important to me and I am stubborn when it comes to bending to accommodate anybody else. The saddest part is, I bend for everybody else, except my parents. They have even pointed this out to me and I realize its true. It’s not because I loved them less, it’s just because I did not take the time to understand them properly because I always considered myself more important. My parents are in the background, they are taken for granted, they will be there for me – no matter what. This taken for granted-ness, is what makes me view them with hostility. A lack of understanding of how much my behavior shocks them and creates ‘funeral haunts’ for them, perpetuated by none other than me. I realize how much I contribute to their suffering and how much they try to accommodate me when I get stubborn and bratty.

In my interactions with my parents, I have realized that their intention is to not make me suffer on purpose. They take no joy in my suffering or in controlling me. They want me to yield to some of what they want for me, so that in doing so I recognize their presence in my life. In doing so, I acknowledge that they matter to me. It shows respect, it shows obedience and humility. All of which, I have never taken time to understand until now. All I have done so far is rebel when they restrict, disagree when they opine, scream and shout when they advise. I did not take the time to understand what lies beneath. It hurts them to know I value myself more than I value them when they in fact almost value me more than themselves.

This is not to say that I have to live my life according to everything they say and have none of my own, but to empathize with the fact that they suffer too – not only for themselves, but for me. Such is the power of parental love which I do not claim to understand yet. In taking time to first understand them, I got to know myself better, I got to know how to act, I got to know how I can resolve a particular situation. I finally, got myself a solution. It’s a matter of giving in when you know their need is more important than yours. It’s a matter of letting go of yourself to accommodate another. It’s a matter of considering yourself less important – of transcending yourself, your ego.

We tend to grapple with abstract notions of balance and its application when either set of extremes go out of hand. We land ourselves in trouble when we live in the world of extremes. So comes the question, how does the equation of give and take operate between two sets of people with divergent needs and opinions translate into a win-win situation for both parties concerned? The complexity of this answer lies by starting to have a genuine and focused interest in why other people act a certain way. I think knowing other people, will help you understand how to go about it. It gives you fantastic insights about how can you be at peace by solving the mystery of another. When you recognize the cause of the problem, you’ll know the solution is not far behind.

I am sometimes still annoyed by my parents and what they want for me. They still restrict me and subjugate me to their views which I don’t agree with. It’s still not easy to get along. I am still met with ‘funeral haunts’ of my past. I still am frustrated from time to time. However, one thing is slowly changing- the indifference which I met them with from my adolescence has now turned to quiet respect for another generation, another set of values, another set of rules which seems to work well for them. It’s to understand that those would not work for me but also to acknowledge the fact that somebody as close as my parents still holds them with importance. It’s to understand that my values are as difficult for them to hear as theirs are to me. It’s to admit to myself that I am difficult too and my ego gets blown out of proportion and not in my favour.

So, it’s difficult but no not irreconcilable. When there are parents, there is a lot of human and a lot more love. It’s crucial to recognize their human-ness and even more, the love.

For your love

Those who want to dwell beyond the poems/random bits of writing, feel free to visit my place of reality

Eternal Sunshine: http://happynessisawarmsun.blogspot.com

Over the hills and far away

I think I am mighty tired of the technology which is creeping into my life and destroying my peace of late! I know people say it all the time.. What is the world coming to these days and yada yada yada.. but I think it's getting more and more difficult to live as time goes on. And, I also think this is because there is so much progress on every level, met with the same level of possible imposing crap which threatens progress and acts as a deterrent to stability. Makes sense yeah.

It all comes down to. How do I use technology (gmail, facebook, twitter, youtube) for all the essentials yet not be so freaking dependent on it, so much so that I can't live without it! To not allow myself to let it control me? I know! but sometimes it's almost feels impossible. You need it to keep in touch, for music, entertainment, for making plans! Yet people managed fine without it and were happier probably (but sure they had other problems then) without it.

hmm! I know one way- to stay away and keep staying away as much as possible.

I'm craving a bit of a slow-down and some fresh green grass. And the sight of it, and the touch of it and the smell of it. I know this is what pushes people to backpack across the Himalayas(on a shoe string budget) in search of it. Very few of us have the courage and conviction to do what the heart desires. I try. First step - search for small ways of getting closer to what you want. And bathe in the joy of them.
This probably sounds romantic and harder than the words I typed, but its the exact title of my post - It's where I want to get to. And how!

The man who walked

Once there was a man who walked
Oft across the dark path
For no fault of his
Yet twas he who chose
Where he tread and where he walked.
There was once a time
When his bold and courage
Drove him to the top of where
all the world he could see
He mastered himself
Through offering and goodness
Swore against vice
Yet was still the man who women sought
For with him, there hearts and minds they buried.
Still long ago driven by deception and pain
He looked to free his worthless soul
Which grew tainted by clouds of dark
He wept but the past could not be buried
Which was when he had a spark.
Still earlier, there was a boy who grew
His laughter on the court remained
He had comfort and love and joy and riches
Sweet sparkling eyes, fixed in a frame.
Like two halves of a whole, it twists and turns indefinitely
All of good is devoured by evil
But good rises up again
For the man who walks in darkness
Will one day no more take that path again

The painting

The wind, it howled one fearful night
The distant crashing waves, it sprayed
A lonely tree of awesome might
It grew, but withered in its shade
The rain, it fell so thick and bleak
Whipped up images of grey
Not close, not far, no soul to speak
Unhinged, the battered tree upon the ocean spray
The cold it crept upon the sand
And numbed travelers near and far
Who saw scenes of bliss unfold itself
While the tree battled on its own land
No lighthouse shone the whole way through
No beam, no road, no distant light
For weary travelers and boatmen few
No light for the damp tree by the side.
Ships that cast their lives aside,
Break across the cliff in furious rage
Stripped off robes by mirthless deride
The show goes on, but comes of age
The lighthouse gaveth no shade
Neither did the ship nor sailor
Respite from warmth, the tree gave away
And looked for other places inside.
The dampness had set in deep
Of a quality, gnawed in and soft
To find some warmth, it must weep
No stranger to its ideals loft.
It flickers and burns and grows again
Despite the darkness which oft creeps over
Rises above the sad, the shame
And rests in peace over n over
The tree of life and all that we're told
Stands by the edge, in pain but glory
A single flame of life behold
Gave a soul to its endless story
A painting it stood, it hung on a wall
To some, nothing but a cruel stance
To some, a story of hope and bliss
To some, merely a picture, no words
To some, a languid work of art
To some, a true story
What you see, so will remain
The painting or the tree or the soul of glory.

Fallin'

I'm going through a very restless period in my life right, alternating between numbness and emotion and its been going on for quite a while. I now realize that I've been subconsciously trying to bury the issues by immersing myself in everything else other than addressing it. When I'm numb I want to feel again and when I feel I don't wanna experience that either. I'm not unhappy but I badly want to find some stability and passion. Can there be passion and stability at once? I don't know. I guess I really, badly need a cause to be passionate about and put my heart and soul into.

Even as I write this there are hundred thoughts which surge through my mind waiting to settle and take shape and form and meaning. I'm stuck in a contradicted mess and I am struggling to find a sense of higher ground. The sense of confusion has been around for just too long now.. and everything I spend time on has become a useless waste of energy. Life, as i now know, is a constant struggle, every moment of it. And if you don't win every moment, you pay that much by the loss of it. Sounds harsh, but I believe its true. Because, I've seen the waste, the pointlessness of it. It feels miserable but most of the time I don't realize it until much later. But to win every moment is to be God-like I guess. Calling it God-like makes me wanna win every moment lesser bcoz I straightaway start thinking I can't do it. So I take that back.

I need a mantra to hold on to while facing difficult situations. And the lack of it is causing me to be this dead person I don't like much. Need to find my own, coz what worked one time doesn't work now coz that took a different kind of facing I guess. I need contentment so bad. The last time I felt alive was on New Years Eve I want that again!

Heart of ice

I have a long way to go
I need a plan to protect the core of my heart
And keep it far away from all which can penetrate the aura of its existence
I keep it out there for cold breeze to erode at it like melting snow
All fragments of truth buried deep within
Frozen into one piece and bound by its icy fingers
The heart so wholesome and pure freezes up

And, I never got down to finishing it :(

All is NOT Quiet on New Years Eve

Email sent about NY, wanted to keep this before it gets lost within the entrails of my inbox.


If you google London eye.. its this giant wheel thing which is a famous landmark in London.. its besides the river thames and near the most famous buildings in central london like the big ben etc.. BANG in the centre.. and the whole place looks so amazingly beautiful at night when its all lit up that photos can never do justice as much as i try n capture it. me n a bunch of other people got there at 7pm for the countdown and NY celebrations.. 7pm!! 5 hours before the actual fireworks show .. you need to get there THAT early to get the best view. so you can imagine the number of people who gathered there.. People from all over the world and all nationalities. thousands n thousands of them. We stood there in the freezing cold.. my fingers n toes numbed outta feeling huddled up.. 1 hour passed by, we settled on the cement ground which froze our behinds but cudnt stant for so long.. 2 hrs and then they started playing the radio on loudspeaker n they played a lot of fun popular hip hop and brit pop music.. i had keep dancing on my feet to keep me not frozen. its colder becoz there is this cold wind coz where we were standing was right beside the river.

The DJ had to keep blabbering to keep people's spirits up.. and keep the crowd all loud and buoyant. there was crazyness of course.. one guy stood up in the crowd n proceeded to strip topless while the crazy crowd cheered.. IT WAS FREEZING i must say again.. so he must be so drunk! the giant London Eye in front of us kept changing colours in blue, purple, green, yellow and red. There is a Shell building right next to the London Eye where they beam coloured lights for the crowd. apparently last year ppl sent text msgs which they beam onto the building. And somebody proposed.. heh how cute is that! but very public (no pvt moment sorts doncha think)
man i always find Indians in the UK annoying coz one, they cling together, speak loudly in hindi and litter the place and make a mess!! All the Indians in the crowd of course went crazy wen they played this on brit radio - punjabi MC :O http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJztXj2GPfk&feature=related hehe this is the song.. I was so amazed bcoz it was such an international crowd but the song managed to find its way on the radio.. me felt kicked lol.. and totully in love with my inner indianness

So we waited n waited n waited.. n waited on our feet.. unbearable cold as the night wore on. crowd grew people gathered closer and pretty soon i cudnt move an inch! i killed time by whining n complaining bout the cold to whoever was nearby, ( you know how i get during extreme heat and cold conditions lol) singing along to blur and the killers and black eyed peas songs and jumping up n down whenever i cud. People kept yelling when the DJ encouraged them to.. he kept saying the BBC is watching is point your cameras at the London eye and flash 1,2,3 go.. ppl were so happy to do pointless things like that

So half an hour left, 20 mins, final 10 mins.. people getting all excited and crowd murmers.. and the countdown begins (it was beamed on the building) I felt excited anticipation as though there was something waiting for me when the minute was up.. 10, 9,8, 7.. (acutely aware that I was one of the ant like individuals the crowd and the same countdown was taking place all over the world at diff time zones, also felt like i was watching myself on TV- some kind of glorious in the moment excitement) 6, 5 4 3 2 1 and Lo and Behold! ( i am not moses but for effect helloo) the sky actually burst into a brilliance of light and colour and my heart stopped beating for a split second coz that moment was so incredible, the sky was aglow with light and ohmygod ohmygod i thought i died and gone to heaven coz well coz i cant describe the next 15 mins of my life was so elevating. the most spectacular display of fireworks i have ever seen in my life.. intricate shapes in the sky coloured by light and design, twisting and turning and changing shapes.. starry ones which swivel and turn and bounce and come from nowhere and the collide and run at each other and they just go on n on .. it was like SEX FOR THE EYES. and good lord i wasnt aware the kind of beauty they could humanly hav made possible explode in the sky like that with fireworks. it just took my breath away and left me speechless and open mouthed coz WORDS CANNOT DESCRIBE WHAT I SAW! i was hyper excited and and fluttery with joy

In that moment, the waiting, the cold, the frustration of standing for hours on my feet disappeared and I was left with a profound sense of bliss.. like happiness exploding in my heart or smthn. some unity of mankind stuff.. heh.. we are all one and we all saw something so special and beautiful together... some bond i felt.. some african dude in front of me was like happy new year and i felt so happy to wish him bak or smthn.. and they played Auld Lang Syne (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lvJRmdN9iyU&feature=fvw) (dont grin im feeling enthu right now) after the show and we all held hands n sung it with emotion. and of course i was choked up by now :D i thought of each one of you and my family when i was singing it.. a brief bless you sorts. and the icing on the cake.. it started snowing :) so cute!! some lil drops from the sky.. i forgot i was cold and proceeded to catch them in my mouth. as sweet as that sounds its actually an extremely futile thing to do. i felt so blessed, like soo blessed in opportune-ness and being there in the moment.

sigh only. this was my best new years EVER and my best london moment (so far)

i wanted to put this down asap before all the feeling n emotion fade away.. coz that is bound to happen once i sleep n wake up

Where is my coffee?

All I need is space for expression
For my thoughts to take a path of a relentless flow
And find their way across the universe
They make me bounce back with vigour
Empty my soul of Idleness
Oh to be restless and disturbed
Is to seek a new awakening.
It will only fade away,
Once you remember to start to control it.
I see a frizzy haired girl next to me
She peeps into her books for hours on end
Searching and seeking for the answers.
The walls of the library are bright and warm
I don't ever wanna leave.
Writing in lines of short make it easier.
I don't need to explain.
My eyes search eagerly for a green dot
But I see none.
I had a dream today
It made me awaken in pain and tears
It asked me to wake up and smell the coffee
Where is my coffee?

Freedom defined

My dad asked me to explain what freedom means to me.

I answer:

I think the definition of freedom
Lies in which way you look at it
Freedom is often an illusion
You are only as free as you imagine yourself to be
For me, freedom lies within
It is the closing of holes which over time tarnish the soul
Holes in the soul which are controlled by attachments
Forming webs of suffering which we get caught in
For me freedom is to be free from suffering, bit by bit
To get to a place, where nothing external can break through and reach me
Its easy to say, but the most difficult thing in the world
One may argue that to not have the external affect you
Is to not live at all.
But the strongest personalities in the world
Have let the outside affect them to enable them to rise above it.
They have gone on to create something significant for themselves and the world
The popular notion of freedom is to give up all
For to give up all worldy posessions and people who are near to you
Requires a hermit out of you.
I feel that we are all called to be free in our own ways
In our own special paths which are laid down for us
And this is the way which will lead us to be free
To find the road which is blurred by our conditioning
And the environment in which we live
I think freedom lies in every step
In every choice and to know you made the right one
Or to learn an important lesson from the wrong one
It is the travel to the gate and not the gate standalone at the end
It is to break down the conditioning
By constantly questioning, challenging and seeking new experiences,
By overcoming that which is unpleasant
To find your true self.
It is a continuous struggle and calls for introspection at every point.
The temporal is constantly inextricably linked with it
There is no escaping worldy ways and rules which help define us
We will always be bound by duty, by responsibility
But, I believe these become a little easier to understand.
I don't deny it is still a struggle to decide.
These are only tools in our hands which cannot be thrown away
They are vital to help us create a means to an end.
And an end I will find.

Rambling girl

Cigarettes can not substitute people.
Instant happyness = me on guitar.
The Nicest people can also by the shittyest.
Family-time, however boring and nice, is vital for the right balance.
Doing what I feel is more important to me than doing the right thing. Not something I'm particularly proud of.
Any day minus the ppl I love = scary.
2009-2010 is fast turning into the year I've made the most number of friends.

Next year, this time where will I be?

An explaination

I thought long and hard about what to say
Its hard to convey some of which is enmeshed in my soul
When few can understand it.
And fewer whom I care so deep about
To want to give some of my soul to them
My soul so precious, my very own
To the sun who wants everything revolve around it
I fear will lose things one by one
The sun whose very essence is to burn
Will burn things in its orbit
And cause unbearable regret and pain, too late realized.
I fear for the sun and for myself
For I see the sun burn me up too
And it causes me to move away
As it will only create shackles and bind me
I see myself as a bird
I once was trapped, then I was free,
but I cannot let myself
be trapped again
I see myself, a tune unrestrained,
One which cannot be held shut inside a musical box
Its the very thing which kept me away for so long
I sensed them then too but now the signs are clear
And they do not disappear like I hoped they would
I wish I was like Sita, but I am not her, yet.
To be like her is my struggle and my sorrow
My pain and my happiness.
But, till then I tread forward holding
The invisible hand of providence.
I will get to a place where I break down
The fences which aptly containing my yearning
It will set me free
All I seek is the Shiva in me.
One day, I will be with him forever.

Skyblanket

The world I see, so far beyond my reach
time travels so slowly, but still
they say a dreamer's dreams they never die
But how loud they moan, when met with peril

Trapped between rocks of fear
There is no place to run and hide
The sky is a blanket and the water below
There is no green for miles and miles

The path may take you on a different road
The one you chose strewn with what you cling to its hope
But water flows slow to slowly quench
The thirst which builds up within your soul

Does the story have an exciting end
Of dreams which knew no beginning or base
Are left to wander for themselves
And are stuck, lodged in a crevice

Time will tell, time my master
Time hides the harshest of truths but reveals
A blanket thrown into an open sky
To uncover vastness which describes no means.

All light may swivel, all darkness may fade
The twists which lend the story thus
But, what is left and that's all thats worth
To carry forth, the gold and dust

Life's a battlefield

A million thoughts flow throw my head
They strike and tarnish my soul with poison tipped arrows spreading
gloom and depression in their paths.
They draw me from side to side, pull at me with strings.
Make a joke out of me, a clown with empty tears that don't stop.

I feel battered, abused by none other than myself
The weight burdens my mind , not with regret
But at my inability to delay to awaken
Nothing but a stone, now glow or shine of the divine

They say eyes reflect the soul
Do people see stones in mine?
For I am the soul, the stone is me
There are no windows, I feel trapped.
The empty echoes, echoes in emptyness
Lonely streets they mock me
I swore never to write out of depression
It's not depression, its inertia which overthrows; renders me incapable.

I look for God desperately, I look in songs, I look in my heart
He stays far away. And all I receive is emptyness

Writing was an exercise to feel good but look at me.
All flat, but I don't care
No voice that soothes.
No song that is mellow.
Can dark art be called beautiful?
I used to think so
People are dying. Their death is real to me
I study it like a technicality.
I study questions around if we should show the events which led to their deaths.
It doesn't free me.
Why am I not free?
I speak of causes and the past
I speak of what led me here.
But the mistakes and hardness of heart
Remind me each time.
I need to quell these.
Like a demon blown out of proportion.

I once was on an aeroplane
Landing in this new place
Full of hope and imagined splendour
My beautiful life and all that is left of it
My abilities, I had them once
It's not so much about having them as reminding me that they exist
My heart wants to feel again
My head wants to be unburdened
Where is the fire that once was?
Or did I imagine it.
I rarely write this way
The optimist in me, never lets me
But this gives me pleasure.

My feelings are real
As time goes by, fear takes over.
And, make me want to fight back hard.

Welcome to the universe

One of the nicest and the most unfortunate things about life is that you always get the unexpected. Reality hardly matches with your expectations about people, places, experiences, life. It never matches with your carefully considered way to get to where you want -the easy and safe path that takes you there, strewn with the obstacles you can scale easily, where you emerge shining as the the overall hero and champion of the story.

Why is it unpleasant? Coz its something which unwraps itself differently from the neatly wrapped present you pictured in your head. The present you you made with thoughts of endless scope and possibility. Of blazing change and burning from within which takes you to higher places never seen before. Comforting thoughts of how you can overcome any kind of resistance. How you will always douse the fire which eats you from inside and stroke than fire which merrily burns on. All given lesser meaning as the slow unwinding of something which was once so wound up takes place.

Even the most hardcore, adventure-loving, risk-taking person wouldn't jump into it all at once and accept things they way they are. With a lil space given to the possibility of the existence of such a brand of super-people, nobody is calm when chaos plays its part in producing the questions and blurring the answers to issues which arise when grappling with questions of whoami and whereami. I think these two questions live with people more often than people seem to care or realize. They seem to care and look for the answers even less.

Why is it nice again? Coz it pulls you beyond the suffocation of the 'idiot box' you are idiotically tricked into seeing because of the hedonistic ideals which are so ingrained in us, we hardly know they exist. To be comfortably wrapped in the illusionary cocoon of a place where you have everything you ever wanted.That's just the best feeling in the world, yea? Experience has led me to believe that it makes you feel really lousy when you get too comfortable. Although you don't wanna admit it when its in motion and your swimming against the tide, its probably better this way. At least this holds good for those among us who love to be challenged as much as we hate to be challenged.

Obviously, these which float on swishy, water-pools over my head are fresh on the realization that its been exactly a month since I've landed in London. The point by now is clear is to not elaborate on the wonderful-ness or the trashy-ness of life here.

Time flows like a river and you can't quite catch up with it. It frustrates you when you can't put every moment to good use. Sometimes, it sweeps you off your feet and you are knocked down and sit hard on the ground remembering that it once mattered to you at some point but you don't know when and why it did. And then you refuse to get up coz you wonder if the effort is worth it. The space between sitting and the getting up, thats the effort whose lack is gonna make us all extinct one fine day. It's also the very same which presents us a chance to make the unexpected evolve into something much more meaningful than an ordinary word like 'nice.' It's what makes everything worth it. The unexpected.

I wish

I wish I was strong enough.
I wanna be.
I am.