Fallin'

I'm going through a very restless period in my life right, alternating between numbness and emotion and its been going on for quite a while. I now realize that I've been subconsciously trying to bury the issues by immersing myself in everything else other than addressing it. When I'm numb I want to feel again and when I feel I don't wanna experience that either. I'm not unhappy but I badly want to find some stability and passion. Can there be passion and stability at once? I don't know. I guess I really, badly need a cause to be passionate about and put my heart and soul into.

Even as I write this there are hundred thoughts which surge through my mind waiting to settle and take shape and form and meaning. I'm stuck in a contradicted mess and I am struggling to find a sense of higher ground. The sense of confusion has been around for just too long now.. and everything I spend time on has become a useless waste of energy. Life, as i now know, is a constant struggle, every moment of it. And if you don't win every moment, you pay that much by the loss of it. Sounds harsh, but I believe its true. Because, I've seen the waste, the pointlessness of it. It feels miserable but most of the time I don't realize it until much later. But to win every moment is to be God-like I guess. Calling it God-like makes me wanna win every moment lesser bcoz I straightaway start thinking I can't do it. So I take that back.

I need a mantra to hold on to while facing difficult situations. And the lack of it is causing me to be this dead person I don't like much. Need to find my own, coz what worked one time doesn't work now coz that took a different kind of facing I guess. I need contentment so bad. The last time I felt alive was on New Years Eve I want that again!