Thoughts from Whines, Grumble, Bitch & Cry

June 29, 2008

Its been a year.

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It hits you hard when 4 years and more of togetherness apparently don't mean the world to the same people who you believed to have 4 years and more of togetherness mean the world to them. As a working woman who chose to live far away from the pillars of support she always needed - her boyfriend and family, independence came with a price tag she couldn't quite afford. It is the reinstatement of a philosophy torn by time. Love to her was always such a safe and secure haven that she completely ignored any feelings of in-adequateness that tagged along like a puppy over the years.

To give you some background, she had found a man many years ago, perfect in all his imperfectness. Everything, all the history, the music and the magic, was wiped clean in a second. Sometimes, permanent marker ink fades away easier than you think it. Doesn't the world require you to let bygones be bygones? Shouldn't everybody always listen to the world who dictates what is right and whats not.

She loved working and living in Delhi. She was always one for experiences, any kind of experience. She always looked to learn from even those which were not ideally her type of experiences. This was subtly instilled in her by many a bored forced bonding session with her dad which she grew to value and treasure over the years. She was happy, she was doing well in her career, she was optimistic for the future. She had money to spend on pretty things for herself. She had a so called caring boyfriend whom she could always take care of all the while denying the universal truth of the opposite. All neatly wrapped in a plastic ornamental cover. All set forever. Happiness is a warm gun they say. Happiness can also be shot through the heart, real quick.

Anyway, all plastic covers have to come off you know. Have you ever coaxed and cajoled all the imperfection into perfectness for somebody even if it meant neglecting your own needs? She did this in all earnestness and completely happy to. Why do you think she was capable of what you can call human-like selfless love. You know, those wet tissues handed to you on a flight? The kind you use to freshen your face and throw away. She felt like a used wet tissue at the end of the evening when the sun set on 4 years and more of togetherness.

All the wet tissue wanted was to be stored away in a pocket perhaps and used on another hot day. Instead, she was given the identity of a used wet tissue stained with a kind of a screwed up insecurity that just don't refreshen the same anymore. "You used to fresh me up in the past, but not now," the wet tissue was told. The worst bout her new found status was that it made her question herself. Did I not make the right decision? Should I have done something when I sensed it? What did I do really to deserve this? Have I not known only to love and give? All questions left answered. Isn't it funny how people always look to substitute something when they forget how they got there in the first place?

She realized that human beings do this. Human beings are fickle. Human beings always care less than they say they do. Human beings are capable of humiliating you like no other. She felt bad for God coz she believed in him. He must be a hopelessly disturbed God. She grew to understand God.

Falling out of love still seems an extremely western concept to her. It always amused her when celebrities calmly claim to fall 'out of love' weeks into their marriage. I'm not quite sure what it entails. Boredom to compromise? Heightened fixation or obsession with present happiness? Lack of recognizing whats really good for themselves due to a vision of extremely tunneled self-interest? Being Indian, she was definitely not used to it. She always thought that she and her now very not-so-significant other shared the same values. She retained Indian values as much as she was a product of new-age urban Indian mindset. Maybe that was the problem. Foreign lands always mess with your values. Its a pretty unstable trend. Which leave you very confused at the end of the day. Or, maybe the 'foreign lands mess with your values' bit is a huge farce. An excuse. Part of a massive chunk of denial she lived through all the years of her relationship. Values evolve according to your needs, don't they?

Do you know why really old men/women win prizes late? Only because it took them the time, the pain and frustration to get there. Quick time solutions are poor friends of the lonely, the attention-seeking and the talented. And leave you terribly guilty at the end of it too. In one words its - cowardice.

Until it happened to her. She fell out of love too. But for entirely different reasons. In fact, she claims that these are the only reasons you can really fall out of love for. Loss of respect was a huge factor. Loss of naivety was another. Always proclaimed naive by her family - uncertain of the ways of the world, unsure of life and all its twisted ways, too innocent and trusting of all people.
Loss of trust and care - its the easiest to guess. When your so sure of something, you become arrogant. Love can make you arrogant and proud. She was arrogant. But, like one of those stupid sayings you wish never came true just becoz they're so godammn pretentiously wise, it fell.

In a nutshell, you see a very fragmented soul. You can see how they directly correlate with lost values. Losing everything you believe in sounds impossible; but in reality is a death spell. Especially, when such a huge part of self is concerned. It was all brought on by giving too much to a relationship.

She and I start again. From scratch. After all, wisdom grows an extra tooth only after all the other teeth are done growing.