Livin' on the Edge

I want to do so much with my life.. see new places, meet new people, learn about other cultures, travel the world, carry around a zest for life which lies thumping in my chest like a heartbeat. We are bound by our circumstances most often, unable to do the things the heart desires. We then grow to live in impatience, losing faith in the things that move us the most. Over time, one learns to give in, fit in well, be part of the groove and forget the spunk and crazy and settle for less.

Sometimes I feel myself soar in leaps and bounds but at other times I am afraid to let myself to do so. I used to be a pretty dreamy, unrestrained person.. I lately realize how inwardly quiet I have become. The kind of person who knocks off all the irregular edges because irregular edges have hurt more than helped. Now the edges are straightened and what have I become? I yearn for that lust for life feeling again. I feel it still exists in me, albeit in a much more faded fashion.

Today I read about a guy who balances on cliffs and edges.. he literally lives his life on the edge. The guy embraces risk and has overcome his fear of falling off the edge. I yearn for such an exhilaration. I yearn for the next big turning point which will put me in a place where I can be challenged.

Where do I go now?

It's been ages since I wrote anything. It's so easy to get complacent.. to sit back and want little out of life when you are very comfortable with everything. I rarely post stuff spontaneously, I usually review it lots o times before I actually publish anything. A sign that I don't care to edit and revise.. I'm pretty cool with what's here.

Yet again, I find myself at tentative crossroads in my life. Struggling to know what I want.. and how to get there. I understand how some people get caught in the struggle of pursuit.. there is something productive in a struggle.. it makes you feel like you are doing something, going somewhere, making things happen. It is part of the joy of creating something of your own I guess. Right now I feel like I have nothing to struggle for, that things are easy. I should feel blessed instead that I have comforts, I have peace all around.. what gives then?

One important thing I have realized for myself is that - the grass is never green on the other side. What I have in my power is to make best use of the moment.. When I look back, I think I am constantly craving this freedom space which is my idea of well.. complete joy and harmony with the universe and nothing else. The frustrating side about wanting that for myself all the time is.. everything within the normal space of the everyday pales, I forget to enjoy simple things and keep wanting something extraordinary all the time. And, it slips my reach.. and I am left in a state of limbo unable to stay still to enjoy the simple present neither be caught up in the thrilling pursuit of the extraordinary.

Which way now?